Monday, 18 July 2011

Quit day 11, and updates on dad and coping.

Early morning friends.

I am heading into day 11 of the big quit attempt and am doing well so far still, I didn't have a patch on yesterday and didn't use my nicotine spray at all, I had a few cravings but they soon passed if I occupied myself. I am determined to stick at it, and I feel I don't want the nicotine replacement if I can manage without it, as that is the point I want off nicotine, and 3 months of patches and sprays feels as though I not achieving what I aim to. I can have nicotine out of my body in two weeks if I do it myself, which has to be favourable to over 3 months!

I can't sleep tonight at all, I am not feeling good and every time I lie down I start feeling more unwell and that I can't breathe and feel sick and lightheaded. I would bet my money on it being anxiety so the best thing I could do for myself is toddle back off to my bed and get one of my MP3's on, but stubborn as I am I don't want to go back to bed. I think I will do though, I will have this decaf coffee then take my headphones and go try and get some more rest or I will be no use to anyone if I keep not sleeping.

My dad is still hanging on in there, there has been no change though my mum said he seemed a little worse yesterday afternoon, his breathing was more erratic and bubbly. I have decided to cancel an appointment I have today and go down and see him, it is only an optician appointment and it can wait, I am sure the optician won't be pleased, but to be honest I don't care, my family come first. So I will probably be going down there this afternoon for a while.

I am also still waiting on my melatonin arriving but  even though I am not sleeping I don't think I will take it just at the moment as I don't know what kind of effect it is going to have on me. I can't afford to be out of it right now, especially if I get a call in the night to get down to the care home. I did only order them as an emergency measure and I am sure if I stick with the relaxation tracks just now I will be fine, I think it is a combination of anxiety about my dad and anxiety caused by nicotine withdrawl, rather than there being something physically wrong.

It is a wild night tonight, the wind is howling and the rain keeps hammering down, you really would think I was pulling your leg when I am writing this in July, it is more like the middle of November. It makes me just want to curl up in bed and stay there. LOL

Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.
Paul Tournier

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